Another day.. Feeling the ache today. I had to sit down partially through today because my muscles just were hurting too bad. This weight is just too much. The new routine is pushing myself a bit too hard, which is a good thing. I just need to keep after it. Just last week I couldnt do 10 minutes at a brisk pace straight without sitting down. Now I can do at least 15 minutes and have done 30 minutes without sitting down.
Amy
@}----
Friday, September 16, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
25 minutes
With music playing I completed 25 minutes today. Did a cross country setting on the treadmill first for 10 minutes which brought me up and down the hills of some foriegn land I have never been to and may never see. Or at least that is what I was telling myself as I was pushing my heartrate into the cardiovascular workout zone. Soar higher with the music and sweat away those calories. Burn that fat. Let the rock music push muscles along when they are protesting to stop.
Then I changed gears and did some interval training, going from basic level to a level 3 incline for an additional 15 minutes. Intensity.
My muscles are now starting to feel the workouts. Thats a good thing. Pushing myself and my limits. Now is the time for the metamorphasis to begin. Change is coming. It is starting to become more tangible that some day I might not be obese. At least I can be healthier. The weight is slowly being lifted off of my spirit.
I am really starting to educate myself and streamline my knowledge so I can shed this weight physically. I know as it starts to fall emotionally a whole kettle of worms is going to open up. There is so much pain attached to each pound. Hurtful things said me me, incidents that I never talked about, memories I re-live in silence, lonliness, trauma, embarrassment, regret, lack of forgiveness of myself and others.. The list goes on and on and on...Each ounce released from my body will release some of that closely held negitive energy. That will feel so amazing to be rid of. Abuses and fears and anxieties to be less of a factor in my life.
To not be stuck. Even though right now I do not feel stuck because of the forward momentum in my life. My partner would probably say so, but he does not understand. I am coming to the conclusion he does not truely understand me. Sometimes I wonder if he truely loves the me that I am, but the picture he has in his head and he works very hard to make me into. Well, I have news for him; I am coming back into my own and no longer will I be under his thumb. I have opinions and I am not going to fight with him in order to have them. If i have to act like a single parent, so be it. I am going to choose better for myself. Choose better.
Time to shift gears and get some work done.
Thank you for your support
Amy
@}----
Then I changed gears and did some interval training, going from basic level to a level 3 incline for an additional 15 minutes. Intensity.
My muscles are now starting to feel the workouts. Thats a good thing. Pushing myself and my limits. Now is the time for the metamorphasis to begin. Change is coming. It is starting to become more tangible that some day I might not be obese. At least I can be healthier. The weight is slowly being lifted off of my spirit.
I am really starting to educate myself and streamline my knowledge so I can shed this weight physically. I know as it starts to fall emotionally a whole kettle of worms is going to open up. There is so much pain attached to each pound. Hurtful things said me me, incidents that I never talked about, memories I re-live in silence, lonliness, trauma, embarrassment, regret, lack of forgiveness of myself and others.. The list goes on and on and on...Each ounce released from my body will release some of that closely held negitive energy. That will feel so amazing to be rid of. Abuses and fears and anxieties to be less of a factor in my life.
To not be stuck. Even though right now I do not feel stuck because of the forward momentum in my life. My partner would probably say so, but he does not understand. I am coming to the conclusion he does not truely understand me. Sometimes I wonder if he truely loves the me that I am, but the picture he has in his head and he works very hard to make me into. Well, I have news for him; I am coming back into my own and no longer will I be under his thumb. I have opinions and I am not going to fight with him in order to have them. If i have to act like a single parent, so be it. I am going to choose better for myself. Choose better.
Time to shift gears and get some work done.
Thank you for your support
Amy
@}----
Monday, September 12, 2011
Achieving Again
Another achievement. Watched another show in my new toy, and iPod, while I did 45 minutes on the treadmill on aerobic conditioning setting. Damn it hurt. The last 10 minutes I swore it was impossible. My legs were starting to really ache because they were not used to being pushed so hard. My back was protesting. Perseverance and willpower won out. I made it for the full speed 40 minutes at 5 minutes of slightly slower cool down. The calorie counter had about 375 calories burned during the exercise session.
Honestly, I felt a bit woozy getting off the machine. Probably pushed it a bit harder than I should have. Wanted to sit down, but there was someone sitting on the one bench in the area behind me. Had been for about 20 minutes just watching the muted TVs. Drink a bit more water and pull back just a slight bit. Not much, just a slight bit.
Its going to take a few days for the 9/11 fog to lift. Its always hard. I finally told my partner about how hard 9/11 is. There was a brief conversation. And then it was dropped and he did not acknowledge it again,. Oh well.
There hasn't been anymore major falloutt from the fight my partner and I had. He is still brewing and stewing over it. He thought I was just being hurtful during it. Kept telling me over and over again that he did not tell me what to think. I agreed. And told him that he did not. But would always try to persuade me to the point of exhaustion that what he thought was better. I wonder if he realizes that he was trying to do the same pattern in that conversation?
Time for me to break free. Shed the baggage. Move forward. Make my stand. Be independent.
Spread my wings and allow myself to expand my circle. Find myself. Find my own Truth.
Amy
@}----
Honestly, I felt a bit woozy getting off the machine. Probably pushed it a bit harder than I should have. Wanted to sit down, but there was someone sitting on the one bench in the area behind me. Had been for about 20 minutes just watching the muted TVs. Drink a bit more water and pull back just a slight bit. Not much, just a slight bit.
Its going to take a few days for the 9/11 fog to lift. Its always hard. I finally told my partner about how hard 9/11 is. There was a brief conversation. And then it was dropped and he did not acknowledge it again,. Oh well.
There hasn't been anymore major falloutt from the fight my partner and I had. He is still brewing and stewing over it. He thought I was just being hurtful during it. Kept telling me over and over again that he did not tell me what to think. I agreed. And told him that he did not. But would always try to persuade me to the point of exhaustion that what he thought was better. I wonder if he realizes that he was trying to do the same pattern in that conversation?
Time for me to break free. Shed the baggage. Move forward. Make my stand. Be independent.
Spread my wings and allow myself to expand my circle. Find myself. Find my own Truth.
Amy
@}----
Sunday, September 11, 2011
New Treadmill Setting
Tried a new treadmill setting today. I have been doing no incline, just worrying about speed of walking. But the machine has pre-programed settings for cardio, fatburn, aerobics, gluts, and all kinds of other wonderful training labels. Today I had a relatively short amount of time so I decided to just try one of the settings and just do treadmill.
There was an aerobic workout that looked like peaks and valleys of activity. It shifted between I believe flat and three levels of elevation while working within my speed range (which I set just under my usual 2.5/2.7 mph.. 2.2 mph ).. I did a solid 25 minutes on the machine which was also a difference. Usually on the flat machine it starts feeling straining after only about 8 minutes or so. The variation was enough to keep my body from feeling as much strain. All and all it was quite the positive experience.
After, I went to the grocery store to get some produce. Ugh, what a disappointment. I think I am going to have to change grocery stores. The selection there is usually small, but fresh. Today it was small and NOT fresh. Turned my nose up on almost everything they had because of one issue or another. I am not a perfectionist. I can take a bit of browning on a lettuce leaf or having to pull the top layer off my cabbage or even an imperfection on my apple or bruised banana! But food actually starting to turn, well, turns me off.
There are at least two others in my area I can get to relatively easily. Will have to get there and stock up on healthy food to start cleansing and having a healthy lifestyle through and through. Shed some of the physical pounds to loose this mental tether that has held me down for too long in life.
Love to you all.
Amy
@}----
There was an aerobic workout that looked like peaks and valleys of activity. It shifted between I believe flat and three levels of elevation while working within my speed range (which I set just under my usual 2.5/2.7 mph.. 2.2 mph ).. I did a solid 25 minutes on the machine which was also a difference. Usually on the flat machine it starts feeling straining after only about 8 minutes or so. The variation was enough to keep my body from feeling as much strain. All and all it was quite the positive experience.
After, I went to the grocery store to get some produce. Ugh, what a disappointment. I think I am going to have to change grocery stores. The selection there is usually small, but fresh. Today it was small and NOT fresh. Turned my nose up on almost everything they had because of one issue or another. I am not a perfectionist. I can take a bit of browning on a lettuce leaf or having to pull the top layer off my cabbage or even an imperfection on my apple or bruised banana! But food actually starting to turn, well, turns me off.
There are at least two others in my area I can get to relatively easily. Will have to get there and stock up on healthy food to start cleansing and having a healthy lifestyle through and through. Shed some of the physical pounds to loose this mental tether that has held me down for too long in life.
Love to you all.
Amy
@}----
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Still shaking
Major fight with my partner. We had a blow up over how I expressing opinions in the house. His overshadow the house and me. If there is a decision to be made of left or right or wrong, it is his to make. He may ask for my opinion, but I keep it close to the vest because, traditionally, if i answer wrong he will try mightilly to sway me in the direction of his opinion. Do not get me wrong, this is not with true ill intentions, but in a desire to connect. Misguided, maybe, but not truely intentionally harmful.
I told him that it was exhausting and hurtful to me to continue on like this. Isolating and just plain unsatisfying for me to continue to be in a partnership where even the most simple communications over TV shows, paint colors, and picking up sticks could turn into hour long debates about why my opinion is inferior and his superior with me on quite the defensive. Unhealthy and unaceptable anymore.
I think thats another step forward for me.
If he ever finds these words and finds the truth written out, he will be hurt. But its the truth. My truth. Like the Anna Nalick song 2 AM (Breathe) song says "And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd/Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud/And I know that you'll use them, however you want to" ... oh how i love song lyrics...
Here's to truth
Amy
I told him that it was exhausting and hurtful to me to continue on like this. Isolating and just plain unsatisfying for me to continue to be in a partnership where even the most simple communications over TV shows, paint colors, and picking up sticks could turn into hour long debates about why my opinion is inferior and his superior with me on quite the defensive. Unhealthy and unaceptable anymore.
I think thats another step forward for me.
If he ever finds these words and finds the truth written out, he will be hurt. But its the truth. My truth. Like the Anna Nalick song 2 AM (Breathe) song says "And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd/Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud/And I know that you'll use them, however you want to" ... oh how i love song lyrics...
Here's to truth
Amy
Friday, September 9, 2011
40 Minutes :)
Made it to 40 minutes total of workout today!!!!!
10 minutes of the treadmill at 2.6 mph
20 minutes of exercise bike (10 free cycling, 5 fat burn setting and 5 hill training vigorous)
and 10 minutes treadmill at 2.0 mph
Its progress in the right direction.
Each session at the gym I aim for 30 minutes active on each machine. They have timers so you can tell exactly how many minutes the activity has lasted. Today, sitting down after finishing the exercise bike and wasn't sure if I could do anymore. But I convinced myself that today was the day that I needed to push myself that extra little bit. To find that extra little bit and go a bit further. I had the time and even if it wasnt vigorous, I could try my best to just move! Success!
No clue what my ultimate goal is. But it felt good today.
Amy
@}----
10 minutes of the treadmill at 2.6 mph
20 minutes of exercise bike (10 free cycling, 5 fat burn setting and 5 hill training vigorous)
and 10 minutes treadmill at 2.0 mph
Its progress in the right direction.
Each session at the gym I aim for 30 minutes active on each machine. They have timers so you can tell exactly how many minutes the activity has lasted. Today, sitting down after finishing the exercise bike and wasn't sure if I could do anymore. But I convinced myself that today was the day that I needed to push myself that extra little bit. To find that extra little bit and go a bit further. I had the time and even if it wasnt vigorous, I could try my best to just move! Success!
No clue what my ultimate goal is. But it felt good today.
Amy
@}----
10 Years since 9/11
Sunday is the 10 year anniversary of 9/11.
It is a painful time for the USA. A time of loss, reflection and memories. It is emotional for me. I was in a walking haze at that time due to a personal trauma. Those images from TV are the first that I have for a few weeks surrounding that time period. I went from being a complete zombie to being horrified. Every year since, I watch shows about the events and cry and cry and cry. I experience so much pain with the tears, but by experiencing it I release it for the year. I relive that feeling of flipping on the TV and realizing the gravity of events that were unfolding. Worrying about family. Worrying about the country. Knowing that this was going to change everyone and everything forever.
This year it feels so much harder. So much more raw. My nerves are more exposed. The loss more personal.
This is me being stuck for a decade. Being lost. Just waking up recently and seeing the world again. Shocked that I just went through the motions and didnt truely live. I turtled and hid and did not thrive. My lost years.
Maybe its the fact I am starting my own transformation journey. Its hard to think about all of those that will never have the chance.
I feel bogged down at the moment. Not knowing where I should turn. Wanting to just turtle down and go into old patterns. Not expand. Not break free. Just go back into the comfort of what is dysfunctional at best. Fear is overwhelming. That baggage is feeling heavy. Maybe that means I am getting close to a breakthrough. I can't stop. I must work through this.
This time has to be different.
I will either truly live or just survive. I want to live life to the fullest.
Choose to live, Amy. Choose to live.
Amy
@}----
It is a painful time for the USA. A time of loss, reflection and memories. It is emotional for me. I was in a walking haze at that time due to a personal trauma. Those images from TV are the first that I have for a few weeks surrounding that time period. I went from being a complete zombie to being horrified. Every year since, I watch shows about the events and cry and cry and cry. I experience so much pain with the tears, but by experiencing it I release it for the year. I relive that feeling of flipping on the TV and realizing the gravity of events that were unfolding. Worrying about family. Worrying about the country. Knowing that this was going to change everyone and everything forever.
This year it feels so much harder. So much more raw. My nerves are more exposed. The loss more personal.
This is me being stuck for a decade. Being lost. Just waking up recently and seeing the world again. Shocked that I just went through the motions and didnt truely live. I turtled and hid and did not thrive. My lost years.
Maybe its the fact I am starting my own transformation journey. Its hard to think about all of those that will never have the chance.
I feel bogged down at the moment. Not knowing where I should turn. Wanting to just turtle down and go into old patterns. Not expand. Not break free. Just go back into the comfort of what is dysfunctional at best. Fear is overwhelming. That baggage is feeling heavy. Maybe that means I am getting close to a breakthrough. I can't stop. I must work through this.
This time has to be different.
I will either truly live or just survive. I want to live life to the fullest.
Choose to live, Amy. Choose to live.
Amy
@}----
Thursday, September 8, 2011
How did I get this way? part one...
If I am going to write for all to see, I need to address how I got here.
How did I get to be this big. This fat. This huge. This morbidly obese.
I have my share of sob stories and excuses in life. Circumstances have not been ideal, ever. My childhood was, well, odd. I was always heavy growing up. Weight issues have always been a part of my life. My household was part of the clean plate club. If I took more food than I could finish, I either had to sit there until I finished or, even worse, I had to put plastic wrap on my food and eat on it for snack and meals until it was gone. There was no room to enjoy a plate of food, become full and push it away. Taking less could actually leave me hungry with my large household some days. A loose-loose proposition for me.
Then there is food for comfort. Anxiety has plagued me as far back as I can remember. Self esteem was never a priority in my household. Few things could bring that feeling of comfort forward that I so craved and desired. I learned how to bake my own cookies and cakes when I was in elementary school. Heck, sometimes even just the cookie dough would do. My full household would always take a chunk of the baked goods, but still would have plenty for me to gorge on.
Instead of helping me, I was ridiculed for my weight. I still have words that ring in my ears that bring tears to my eyes. Words that told me I wasn't good enough, well, to live. Out of the blue one day I was told, Don't worry, I don't expect any grand kids out of you. I think I was 14.. When I was about 10 or 12 I got a postcard in the mail inviting me to be in one of those Pre-Teen Miss pageants. I was excited. I ran over and said that someone thinks I am pretty enough to be in a beauty pageant! I was promptly told that those things were for pretty girls, like my sister, not girls like me. 5 minutes later I was alone, eating and crying. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Today, as I write this it still makes me cry. A tear just rolled down my cheek.
That's the base for how I got this way.
All I can write for now.
More when I can.
Amy
@}----
How did I get to be this big. This fat. This huge. This morbidly obese.
I have my share of sob stories and excuses in life. Circumstances have not been ideal, ever. My childhood was, well, odd. I was always heavy growing up. Weight issues have always been a part of my life. My household was part of the clean plate club. If I took more food than I could finish, I either had to sit there until I finished or, even worse, I had to put plastic wrap on my food and eat on it for snack and meals until it was gone. There was no room to enjoy a plate of food, become full and push it away. Taking less could actually leave me hungry with my large household some days. A loose-loose proposition for me.
Then there is food for comfort. Anxiety has plagued me as far back as I can remember. Self esteem was never a priority in my household. Few things could bring that feeling of comfort forward that I so craved and desired. I learned how to bake my own cookies and cakes when I was in elementary school. Heck, sometimes even just the cookie dough would do. My full household would always take a chunk of the baked goods, but still would have plenty for me to gorge on.
Instead of helping me, I was ridiculed for my weight. I still have words that ring in my ears that bring tears to my eyes. Words that told me I wasn't good enough, well, to live. Out of the blue one day I was told, Don't worry, I don't expect any grand kids out of you. I think I was 14.. When I was about 10 or 12 I got a postcard in the mail inviting me to be in one of those Pre-Teen Miss pageants. I was excited. I ran over and said that someone thinks I am pretty enough to be in a beauty pageant! I was promptly told that those things were for pretty girls, like my sister, not girls like me. 5 minutes later I was alone, eating and crying. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Today, as I write this it still makes me cry. A tear just rolled down my cheek.
That's the base for how I got this way.
All I can write for now.
More when I can.
Amy
@}----
Feel the burn
My muscles are still aching as I type. Fresh from the gym. A mixture of aching and exhileration. At the end of my work out I jumped back on my gym enemy - the elliptical cross training machine. Oh how that machine is a torture device. After three minutes my muscles were aching so bad I could not stand it. Probably should have tried that machine at the begining. It does not look formitable, but it is. Pain in places where pain has never exsisted before. Tommorrow I may try to conquor it first. See how long my muscles can take it!
Other than that it was a nice workout. 20 minutes total on the treadmill and 5 minutes on the stationary bicycle on fat burn. Might try to supplement some at home today too.
I am scared and restless right now. There is so much needing to change. The gruffness is coming out and I find myself snappy and not being the person that I want to be. This is especially true with my husband. My marriage isnt the greatest, but its not healing anything when I am causing problems. Patterns are being changed if for no other reason that I am not going to allow myself to be held down anymore. I am standing up for myself and letting my opinion be known and not overshadowed by his desires anymore. Unhappiness in the partnership may be a reality right now, but it may not be permanet. It took me a while to get here. I have to see if he is going to change with me or if I am walking a seperate path.
Called about a new job today. Took a lot of energy to do that. So afraid they will reject me. Am I not good enough? Am I too fat and they will just turn me away because of that? The truth is, maybe. The important thing is I made the call anyway. Took the risk. Took a chance. Without taking a chance there will never be a payout.
Find a new chance to take today for yourself. Step out of your comfort zone once. Do it for YOU.
Amy
@}----
Other than that it was a nice workout. 20 minutes total on the treadmill and 5 minutes on the stationary bicycle on fat burn. Might try to supplement some at home today too.
I am scared and restless right now. There is so much needing to change. The gruffness is coming out and I find myself snappy and not being the person that I want to be. This is especially true with my husband. My marriage isnt the greatest, but its not healing anything when I am causing problems. Patterns are being changed if for no other reason that I am not going to allow myself to be held down anymore. I am standing up for myself and letting my opinion be known and not overshadowed by his desires anymore. Unhappiness in the partnership may be a reality right now, but it may not be permanet. It took me a while to get here. I have to see if he is going to change with me or if I am walking a seperate path.
Called about a new job today. Took a lot of energy to do that. So afraid they will reject me. Am I not good enough? Am I too fat and they will just turn me away because of that? The truth is, maybe. The important thing is I made the call anyway. Took the risk. Took a chance. Without taking a chance there will never be a payout.
Find a new chance to take today for yourself. Step out of your comfort zone once. Do it for YOU.
Amy
@}----
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Back on the Treadmill
Back on the treadmill today after a holiday weekend. Usually I would allow this break in the action to throw me off and keep me from success. I just used it as an opportunity to step up again and restart.
I am feeling the weight on me. It is so heavy on my body,on my soul. I have a huge belly that bubbles over and overhangs. Self conscious about my arms. Thighs that are probably bigger around than they are long. When I exercise, the weight hurts my back. I ache so badly, but I persevere as best as possible.
The good news is that I did not hear anything from my doctors today. The tests from thursday must have come back normal, otherwise they would have contacted me today. Cell phone was in my pocket all day.
The fear of loosing everything has made me gain weight. The fear of loosing everything has made me loose out on life experiance. I need to get over that and its not going to be easy. My shoulders tighten at the thought. Tears come to my eyes. Shame washes over me. Its such a personal experiance. My voice leaves my throat.
Today I stood up for myself through 20 minutes on the cycle and 10 minutes on the treadmill.
Its just about time to take the next step. I need to join up with a diet program. Start to make the pounds actually come off. Start to make myself truely emerge.
Ready for another new begining?
Amy
@}----
I am feeling the weight on me. It is so heavy on my body,on my soul. I have a huge belly that bubbles over and overhangs. Self conscious about my arms. Thighs that are probably bigger around than they are long. When I exercise, the weight hurts my back. I ache so badly, but I persevere as best as possible.
The good news is that I did not hear anything from my doctors today. The tests from thursday must have come back normal, otherwise they would have contacted me today. Cell phone was in my pocket all day.
The fear of loosing everything has made me gain weight. The fear of loosing everything has made me loose out on life experiance. I need to get over that and its not going to be easy. My shoulders tighten at the thought. Tears come to my eyes. Shame washes over me. Its such a personal experiance. My voice leaves my throat.
Today I stood up for myself through 20 minutes on the cycle and 10 minutes on the treadmill.
Its just about time to take the next step. I need to join up with a diet program. Start to make the pounds actually come off. Start to make myself truely emerge.
Ready for another new begining?
Amy
@}----
Friday, September 2, 2011
Sore On So Many Levels
I feel it. Right now I am feeling life on so many levels. My invigorated muscles are starting to feel the push of the activities. Yesterday I felt big aches in my muscles. Thighs, back. A weariness come over my physical being. Today it was still there. I contemplated not going back today and having a day of rest for my bones, but opted against it. Do not want to start with excuses because of physical soreness. Decided that even if I couldnt move as hard today, I would still move.
Follow through. Perseverance.
Finding a new purpose in this chaos of existence right now is key. Its easy to get swept up with all that is swirling around.
So I went into the gym again today. Legs feeling the strain of the unfamiliar amount of activity. Guess I never expected to be this bad out of shape. Sounds kinda silly coming from someonw who is as large as me. Denial falling away.
Stepping up on the machines I pushed through. Switching when I needed to so I could achieve my goals. 20 minutes on the tredmill today and 10 minutes on the bicycle.
I know i need to start addressing food issues. Fear is showing itself again. Too much at once? Not enough? Do I have the strength in me?
Time to tend to the soreness of body, mind and spirit. Time to move forward.
Wonder where that will take me....?
Amy
@}----
Follow through. Perseverance.
Finding a new purpose in this chaos of existence right now is key. Its easy to get swept up with all that is swirling around.
So I went into the gym again today. Legs feeling the strain of the unfamiliar amount of activity. Guess I never expected to be this bad out of shape. Sounds kinda silly coming from someonw who is as large as me. Denial falling away.
Stepping up on the machines I pushed through. Switching when I needed to so I could achieve my goals. 20 minutes on the tredmill today and 10 minutes on the bicycle.
I know i need to start addressing food issues. Fear is showing itself again. Too much at once? Not enough? Do I have the strength in me?
Time to tend to the soreness of body, mind and spirit. Time to move forward.
Wonder where that will take me....?
Amy
@}----
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Still at Baby Steps
Two more days of workouts. 30 minutes yesterday, 10 on the tredmill and 20 on the bicycle. Not bad. Going to try to start pushing myself a bit to see how far I can go. Got up to 10 minutes on the tredmill, 10 minutes on one bike and 15 minutes on another bike today. So for the Sunday to Saturday week so far I have made it to the gym twice and missed two days.
Back to the dr's today. Still the same weight, but overall blood pressure was just borderline. I am young and falling apart! Guess I have let denial about this weight finally take a toll with my blood pressure rising. Hopefully there will be nothing significant in the bloodwork so I can find myself getting into a healthy pattern of life and get in front of any problems that I am causing. She wants me to loose at least 10 pounds over the next two months. Dont think that is too unreasonable. I think I can achieve that.
Got to keep telling myself that I am lucky to be waking up from my zombie life slumber now before I have completly fallen apart. Just finding minor bumps in the road health wise. Social awkwardness has always been a part of life. Maybe with this new approach some of that confidence that is supposed to build with life will fill me.
It is feeling good to start working on myself physicallly. It was such a huge hurdle to get over the fear that was holding me back from attempting. Fear of being rejected, fear of the lack of support I was going to recieve, fear that things would change and I couldnt cope. So far I havent been rejected at the gym. Honestly, people really are just going about their own business and couldnt care about what I looked like or what I was doing. No pointing or laughing at the fat girl. Most people have their own jiggles to worry about! Support has been there and not. My gym partner dissolved after the first time going. Its pulling teeth to talk about it and noncommittal answers. My husband isnt making fun of my efforts, so that is at least something for support in my life. Its another step forward with independence. I dont need the support or approval as much each day I go.
Whats next?
Amy
@}----
Back to the dr's today. Still the same weight, but overall blood pressure was just borderline. I am young and falling apart! Guess I have let denial about this weight finally take a toll with my blood pressure rising. Hopefully there will be nothing significant in the bloodwork so I can find myself getting into a healthy pattern of life and get in front of any problems that I am causing. She wants me to loose at least 10 pounds over the next two months. Dont think that is too unreasonable. I think I can achieve that.
Got to keep telling myself that I am lucky to be waking up from my zombie life slumber now before I have completly fallen apart. Just finding minor bumps in the road health wise. Social awkwardness has always been a part of life. Maybe with this new approach some of that confidence that is supposed to build with life will fill me.
It is feeling good to start working on myself physicallly. It was such a huge hurdle to get over the fear that was holding me back from attempting. Fear of being rejected, fear of the lack of support I was going to recieve, fear that things would change and I couldnt cope. So far I havent been rejected at the gym. Honestly, people really are just going about their own business and couldnt care about what I looked like or what I was doing. No pointing or laughing at the fat girl. Most people have their own jiggles to worry about! Support has been there and not. My gym partner dissolved after the first time going. Its pulling teeth to talk about it and noncommittal answers. My husband isnt making fun of my efforts, so that is at least something for support in my life. Its another step forward with independence. I dont need the support or approval as much each day I go.
Whats next?
- My marriage, well, thats questionable at best. Will it change and survive? Hell if I know.
- Will my kids overcome their unique obsticles to achieve their potential? Trying my best to guide them, but mostly faith that it will work out is keeping life afloat.
- Will I find a new job? This last one allowed my time to run out and I left with a chirp, bearly any recognition. If I did something wrong, I may never know.
- Am I going to be truely comfortable with myself? Getting there on that one. Comparing me a year ago and me today - thats two different people.
Amy
@}----
Monday, August 29, 2011
Continuing My Crisis
My whole world has been tumbling down a rabbit hole into a curous new world. One somewhat familiar, but odd at the same time. The best term I can come up with to describe it is a "crisis of faith" in everything in my life. Everything has gone from a certianty and solid to being questioned and shuffled around.
What in the world have I gotten myself into? Blindly, I have gone through nearly a decade of my life. Not seeing what is going on or what the consequences are. Life has grown and shifted during that time. There are lost years, proud accomplishments, joy and tears. There was an overwhelming numbness that followed me through most of that existance. With the help of some medication and good therapy, I have been feeling again. A lot of what is there, though, is pain and regret. I do regret what was lost. What wasnt stood up for. The paths that should have been traveled. Oppertunities lost.
This crisis of faith has caused me to start questioning openly my existance and place within the cosmos. I have been struggling more and more with my partner to see eye to eye with things. Our views on parenting, love, life, household duties, encouraging each other do not exactly match up. He is used to winning. I would give him the way that he desired because my thoughts did not matter within my psyche. Thats not living. Thats existing. Moving beyond that and learning how to disagree has been a challenge. To stand up for what I desire is an amazing feeling of freedom. Stepping forward.
I would not give up my children. Through all the frustration of dealing with their stubborn indepdendence I fought to instill dispite my lack of it, they are the gems in my life. They have strengths that will help them for all their days. They are healthy, normal sized children. Not burdened with weight issues so far. What I was unable to do for myself in the lost years, I struggled to give to them. Dinner is offered, and they eat or they choose not to. They stop when they are full and are not pushed to eat more. Healthy snacks of fresh veggies, applesauce, yogurt are available as the only substitution for dinner. After dinner snacks are rare treats. Thats not to say that cakes, cookies and ice cream dont exist at my house. There is a full cake and some ice cream there for the tasting in the fridge right now from a celebration. But it is not the focus in life, but a joy that is a side note of food.
It is wierd having to learn the lessons that your children have already mastered. Espeically when they seem to be so simple. Eat when you are hungry, and stop when you are not. Snack healthy. Move! Move! Move!
I made progress again in the movement category today. 15 minutes on the tredmill going a little over 2 mph followed by 10 minutes on the exercise bicycle and 5 minutes on the skiing machine. 30 minutes total. I missed yesterday due to social and family obligations, but thats ok. Just got back going.
I think I need to set a weight loss goal. Something simple, but something that I can feel a sense of a accomplishment with. Lets start with 10 lbs. No time limit, just a sense of accomplishment to achieve that in whatever time period. Guess I need to get a new scale!
Tomorrow is another day. Will hopefully go first thing in the morning.
Allow my load to lighten and excitement to continue.
Amy @}----
What in the world have I gotten myself into? Blindly, I have gone through nearly a decade of my life. Not seeing what is going on or what the consequences are. Life has grown and shifted during that time. There are lost years, proud accomplishments, joy and tears. There was an overwhelming numbness that followed me through most of that existance. With the help of some medication and good therapy, I have been feeling again. A lot of what is there, though, is pain and regret. I do regret what was lost. What wasnt stood up for. The paths that should have been traveled. Oppertunities lost.
This crisis of faith has caused me to start questioning openly my existance and place within the cosmos. I have been struggling more and more with my partner to see eye to eye with things. Our views on parenting, love, life, household duties, encouraging each other do not exactly match up. He is used to winning. I would give him the way that he desired because my thoughts did not matter within my psyche. Thats not living. Thats existing. Moving beyond that and learning how to disagree has been a challenge. To stand up for what I desire is an amazing feeling of freedom. Stepping forward.
I would not give up my children. Through all the frustration of dealing with their stubborn indepdendence I fought to instill dispite my lack of it, they are the gems in my life. They have strengths that will help them for all their days. They are healthy, normal sized children. Not burdened with weight issues so far. What I was unable to do for myself in the lost years, I struggled to give to them. Dinner is offered, and they eat or they choose not to. They stop when they are full and are not pushed to eat more. Healthy snacks of fresh veggies, applesauce, yogurt are available as the only substitution for dinner. After dinner snacks are rare treats. Thats not to say that cakes, cookies and ice cream dont exist at my house. There is a full cake and some ice cream there for the tasting in the fridge right now from a celebration. But it is not the focus in life, but a joy that is a side note of food.
It is wierd having to learn the lessons that your children have already mastered. Espeically when they seem to be so simple. Eat when you are hungry, and stop when you are not. Snack healthy. Move! Move! Move!
I made progress again in the movement category today. 15 minutes on the tredmill going a little over 2 mph followed by 10 minutes on the exercise bicycle and 5 minutes on the skiing machine. 30 minutes total. I missed yesterday due to social and family obligations, but thats ok. Just got back going.
I think I need to set a weight loss goal. Something simple, but something that I can feel a sense of a accomplishment with. Lets start with 10 lbs. No time limit, just a sense of accomplishment to achieve that in whatever time period. Guess I need to get a new scale!
Tomorrow is another day. Will hopefully go first thing in the morning.
Allow my load to lighten and excitement to continue.
Amy @}----
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Follow Through
The first step is always hard, but its even harder to follow through and continue upon the path.
I have been good in my life about starting projects. There is a sea of projects left half done in my wake. Things that were started with the best of intentions, but left to just rot in a pile of unaccomplishments in my life. Looking around at the endless array of unfinished projects and good intetions overwhelms. It adds to the chaos that already invades my mind.
This time things are going to be different. If I loose 10 pounds or 100 or more, it doesnt matter. It is the action that is important. To continue on moving and trying for better in my life. I am going to be working towards a better self. That is the goal. Follow through and teach myself to live a new lifestyle. To use physical movement as a sacred act to honor myself. To increase my self esteem within my own core. To release the deamons from the past that haunt me and hold me back. Release. Release. Release.
So today I reached 30 minutes. 15 biking; 5 cross training (ouchie); and 10 treadmill. A good start!
Tomorrow is another day.
Amy
@}----
I have been good in my life about starting projects. There is a sea of projects left half done in my wake. Things that were started with the best of intentions, but left to just rot in a pile of unaccomplishments in my life. Looking around at the endless array of unfinished projects and good intetions overwhelms. It adds to the chaos that already invades my mind.
This time things are going to be different. If I loose 10 pounds or 100 or more, it doesnt matter. It is the action that is important. To continue on moving and trying for better in my life. I am going to be working towards a better self. That is the goal. Follow through and teach myself to live a new lifestyle. To use physical movement as a sacred act to honor myself. To increase my self esteem within my own core. To release the deamons from the past that haunt me and hold me back. Release. Release. Release.
So today I reached 30 minutes. 15 biking; 5 cross training (ouchie); and 10 treadmill. A good start!
Tomorrow is another day.
Amy
@}----
Friday, August 26, 2011
First Steps
First accomplishment on the new journey; I joined the gym and did a mini workout. Spending about 15 minutes on the bikes and an additional 5 minutes on the cross trainer was enough to get the feel of the place. Probably could have done a bit more, but my gym partner needs a bit slower pace. Will go there myself at some point and try it independently.
It feels like a bit of weight has been taken off my soul. Walking in there, fear pulsed. The people were friendly. Though I was probably the heaviest person there, it was not all thin or well muscled people. People of all shapes and sizes that were taking their own paths.
Fear paralyzes my life. One of my secret confessions in life is that I have allowed myself to be restricted by fear, especially encouraged by others. I allowed my life to be shrunken and lonely. Now I am trying to learn how to break free of that. Change what I can, accept what I cannot to paraphrase the famous poem that fits for everyone. Learn to stand up for myself, express my beliefs and walk my own path without looking for the approval of the strong individuals in my life. I am a strong individual underneath it all.
My main partner in life is not interested in participating in this journey. Thats sad to me. His resistance to change in life is one of the reasons I have gotten so stuck both mentally and physically. Instead of stepping out on my own, as I should have, I found myself relying on him and others for guidance and permission. I have placed his opinions to the side and taken my own needs above his this time. Even if my gym partner steps away, I will move forward this time. I have to. This is my chance and I dont want to miss it.
I am changing the way I look at my food. Right now I dont want to diet or even really restrict what I am eating. Just change my perception to a new keen awareness about what I am eating. Look for color, especially deep greens. More veggies, less processed stuff. You know, all of the advice that is touted on every single magazine/tv talk show/nutritionists desk. Pay attention and just allow a natural change to the way I do things, instead of doing something for the sake of change.
Today I took the first physical steps. Feeling excited and celebrating the first step towards my new life. One tiny piece of something is taken out of my baggage and thrown into the cosmic garbage.
Amy
@}-----
It feels like a bit of weight has been taken off my soul. Walking in there, fear pulsed. The people were friendly. Though I was probably the heaviest person there, it was not all thin or well muscled people. People of all shapes and sizes that were taking their own paths.
Fear paralyzes my life. One of my secret confessions in life is that I have allowed myself to be restricted by fear, especially encouraged by others. I allowed my life to be shrunken and lonely. Now I am trying to learn how to break free of that. Change what I can, accept what I cannot to paraphrase the famous poem that fits for everyone. Learn to stand up for myself, express my beliefs and walk my own path without looking for the approval of the strong individuals in my life. I am a strong individual underneath it all.
My main partner in life is not interested in participating in this journey. Thats sad to me. His resistance to change in life is one of the reasons I have gotten so stuck both mentally and physically. Instead of stepping out on my own, as I should have, I found myself relying on him and others for guidance and permission. I have placed his opinions to the side and taken my own needs above his this time. Even if my gym partner steps away, I will move forward this time. I have to. This is my chance and I dont want to miss it.
I am changing the way I look at my food. Right now I dont want to diet or even really restrict what I am eating. Just change my perception to a new keen awareness about what I am eating. Look for color, especially deep greens. More veggies, less processed stuff. You know, all of the advice that is touted on every single magazine/tv talk show/nutritionists desk. Pay attention and just allow a natural change to the way I do things, instead of doing something for the sake of change.
Today I took the first physical steps. Feeling excited and celebrating the first step towards my new life. One tiny piece of something is taken out of my baggage and thrown into the cosmic garbage.
Amy
@}-----
The Beginning
Yes, its cliche. But its true! This is the begining. Truth smacks me in the face with devistating reality. For me it is not a matter of actually having a major health crisis or unveiling a major secret in my life. It is more run of the mill and a crisis of self. I am beyond fat, have wrapped myself up in mental troubles for years and am quite unhappy with life in general. A recent family members own health crisis just became the straw that broke the philisophical camels back. Those facts just came tumbling down.
Is this who I want to be? I am the heaviest I have ever been. The doctors office scale said 358. Other than that I am healthy, but I could split myself in two and still be a healthy weight. This is not who I want to be. The heavy baggage I carry around as excess pounds is holding me back from healing some of the feelings of
depression and anxiety that I have suffered with for years. Medication took away the worst of it, but there are still times where life is more empty. This is the part where I need to become proactive and fill my cup of life.
I can blame one of my medications that causes weight gain for some of it, but seeing that scale smacked me in the face. I did this. I need to get off my behind and start being proactive. Oh, the thoughts of nasty blame towards myself that kept flowing. Still are. Blame gets you nowhere. This time, instead of grabbing for a sweet and wrapping myself in more fear, I am stepping outside of my comfort zone and moving forward with life.
Today I am shedding a bit of baggage about my life. I am joining that gym. I am taking the first steps not just to loose weight, but to loose the lifestyle that got me there, to loose the negitive feelings towards myself, to loose a bit of the anxiety that holds me back in life. While doing all that, I will gain strength of body, mind and spirit.
Thanks for coming on the journey with me.
@}---- Amy
Is this who I want to be? I am the heaviest I have ever been. The doctors office scale said 358. Other than that I am healthy, but I could split myself in two and still be a healthy weight. This is not who I want to be. The heavy baggage I carry around as excess pounds is holding me back from healing some of the feelings of
depression and anxiety that I have suffered with for years. Medication took away the worst of it, but there are still times where life is more empty. This is the part where I need to become proactive and fill my cup of life.
I can blame one of my medications that causes weight gain for some of it, but seeing that scale smacked me in the face. I did this. I need to get off my behind and start being proactive. Oh, the thoughts of nasty blame towards myself that kept flowing. Still are. Blame gets you nowhere. This time, instead of grabbing for a sweet and wrapping myself in more fear, I am stepping outside of my comfort zone and moving forward with life.
Today I am shedding a bit of baggage about my life. I am joining that gym. I am taking the first steps not just to loose weight, but to loose the lifestyle that got me there, to loose the negitive feelings towards myself, to loose a bit of the anxiety that holds me back in life. While doing all that, I will gain strength of body, mind and spirit.
Thanks for coming on the journey with me.
@}---- Amy
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