Still at Baby Steps

Two more days of workouts.  30 minutes yesterday, 10 on the tredmill and 20 on the bicycle.  Not bad.  Going to try to start pushing myself a bit to see how far I can go.  Got up to 10 minutes on the tredmill, 10 minutes on one bike and 15 minutes on another bike today.  So for the Sunday to Saturday week so far I have made it to the gym twice and missed two days.

Back to the dr's today.  Still the same weight, but overall blood pressure was just borderline.  I am young and falling apart! Guess I have let denial about this weight finally take a toll with my blood pressure rising.  Hopefully there will be nothing significant in the bloodwork so I can find myself getting into a healthy pattern of life and get in front of any problems that I am causing.  She wants me to loose at least 10 pounds over the next two months.  Dont think that is too unreasonable.  I think I can achieve that. 

Got to keep telling myself that I am lucky to be waking up from my zombie life slumber now before I have completly fallen apart.  Just finding minor bumps in the road health wise.  Social awkwardness has always been a part of life.  Maybe with this new approach some of that confidence that is supposed to build with life will fill me. 

It is feeling good to start working on myself physicallly.  It was such a huge hurdle to get over the fear that was holding me back from attempting.  Fear of being rejected, fear of the lack of support I was going to recieve, fear that things would change and I couldnt cope.  So far I havent been rejected at the gym.  Honestly, people really are just going about their own business and couldnt care about what I looked like or what I was doing.  No pointing or laughing at the fat girl.  Most people have their own jiggles to worry about!  Support has been there and not.  My gym partner dissolved after the first time going.  Its pulling teeth to talk about it and noncommittal answers.  My husband isnt making fun of my efforts, so that is at least something for support in my life.  Its another step forward with independence.  I dont need the support or approval as much each day I go.   

Whats next?

• My marriage, well, thats questionable at best.   Will it change and survive?  Hell if I know.  
• Will my kids overcome their unique obsticles to achieve their potential?  Trying my best to guide them, but mostly faith that it will work out is keeping life afloat. 
• Will I find a new job?  This last one allowed my time to run out and I left with a chirp, bearly any recognition.  If I did something wrong, I may never know.
• Am I going to be truely comfortable with myself?  Getting there on that one.  Comparing me a year ago and me today - thats two different people. 

Who knows.. And does it matter?  It is the journey itself that truely matters.  This has been a bumpy one, but I am ready for whats next.

Amy
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