10 Years since 9/11

Sunday is the 10 year anniversary of 9/11. 

It is a painful time for the USA.  A time of loss, reflection and memories.  It is emotional for me.  I was in a walking haze at that time due to a personal trauma.  Those images from TV are the first that I have for a few weeks surrounding that time period.  I went from being a complete zombie to being horrified.  Every year since, I watch shows about the events and cry and cry and cry.  I experience so much pain with the tears, but by experiencing it I release it for the year.  I relive that feeling of flipping on the TV and realizing the gravity of events that were unfolding.  Worrying about family.  Worrying about the country.  Knowing that this was going to change everyone and everything forever. 

This year it feels so much harder.  So much more raw.  My nerves are more exposed.  The loss more personal.

This is me being stuck for a decade.  Being lost.  Just waking up recently and seeing the world again.  Shocked that I just went through the motions and didnt truely live.  I turtled and hid and did not thrive.  My lost years.
Maybe its the fact I am starting my own transformation journey.  Its hard to think about all of those that will never have the chance. 

I feel bogged down at the moment.  Not knowing where I should turn.  Wanting to just turtle down and go into old patterns.  Not expand.  Not break free.  Just go back into the comfort of what is dysfunctional at best.  Fear is overwhelming.  That baggage is feeling heavy.  Maybe that means I am getting close to a breakthrough.  I can't stop.  I must work through this. 

This time has to be different.

I will either truly live or just survive.  I want to live life to the fullest.

Choose to live, Amy.  Choose to live.

Amy
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