Another day.. Feeling the ache today. I had to sit down partially through today because my muscles just were hurting too bad. This weight is just too much. The new routine is pushing myself a bit too hard, which is a good thing. I just need to keep after it. Just last week I couldnt do 10 minutes at a brisk pace straight without sitting down. Now I can do at least 15 minutes and have done 30 minutes without sitting down.
Amy
@}----
Friday, September 16, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
25 minutes
With music playing I completed 25 minutes today. Did a cross country setting on the treadmill first for 10 minutes which brought me up and down the hills of some foriegn land I have never been to and may never see. Or at least that is what I was telling myself as I was pushing my heartrate into the cardiovascular workout zone. Soar higher with the music and sweat away those calories. Burn that fat. Let the rock music push muscles along when they are protesting to stop.
Then I changed gears and did some interval training, going from basic level to a level 3 incline for an additional 15 minutes. Intensity.
My muscles are now starting to feel the workouts. Thats a good thing. Pushing myself and my limits. Now is the time for the metamorphasis to begin. Change is coming. It is starting to become more tangible that some day I might not be obese. At least I can be healthier. The weight is slowly being lifted off of my spirit.
I am really starting to educate myself and streamline my knowledge so I can shed this weight physically. I know as it starts to fall emotionally a whole kettle of worms is going to open up. There is so much pain attached to each pound. Hurtful things said me me, incidents that I never talked about, memories I re-live in silence, lonliness, trauma, embarrassment, regret, lack of forgiveness of myself and others.. The list goes on and on and on...Each ounce released from my body will release some of that closely held negitive energy. That will feel so amazing to be rid of. Abuses and fears and anxieties to be less of a factor in my life.
To not be stuck. Even though right now I do not feel stuck because of the forward momentum in my life. My partner would probably say so, but he does not understand. I am coming to the conclusion he does not truely understand me. Sometimes I wonder if he truely loves the me that I am, but the picture he has in his head and he works very hard to make me into. Well, I have news for him; I am coming back into my own and no longer will I be under his thumb. I have opinions and I am not going to fight with him in order to have them. If i have to act like a single parent, so be it. I am going to choose better for myself. Choose better.
Time to shift gears and get some work done.
Thank you for your support
Amy
@}----
Then I changed gears and did some interval training, going from basic level to a level 3 incline for an additional 15 minutes. Intensity.
My muscles are now starting to feel the workouts. Thats a good thing. Pushing myself and my limits. Now is the time for the metamorphasis to begin. Change is coming. It is starting to become more tangible that some day I might not be obese. At least I can be healthier. The weight is slowly being lifted off of my spirit.
I am really starting to educate myself and streamline my knowledge so I can shed this weight physically. I know as it starts to fall emotionally a whole kettle of worms is going to open up. There is so much pain attached to each pound. Hurtful things said me me, incidents that I never talked about, memories I re-live in silence, lonliness, trauma, embarrassment, regret, lack of forgiveness of myself and others.. The list goes on and on and on...Each ounce released from my body will release some of that closely held negitive energy. That will feel so amazing to be rid of. Abuses and fears and anxieties to be less of a factor in my life.
To not be stuck. Even though right now I do not feel stuck because of the forward momentum in my life. My partner would probably say so, but he does not understand. I am coming to the conclusion he does not truely understand me. Sometimes I wonder if he truely loves the me that I am, but the picture he has in his head and he works very hard to make me into. Well, I have news for him; I am coming back into my own and no longer will I be under his thumb. I have opinions and I am not going to fight with him in order to have them. If i have to act like a single parent, so be it. I am going to choose better for myself. Choose better.
Time to shift gears and get some work done.
Thank you for your support
Amy
@}----
Monday, September 12, 2011
Achieving Again
Another achievement. Watched another show in my new toy, and iPod, while I did 45 minutes on the treadmill on aerobic conditioning setting. Damn it hurt. The last 10 minutes I swore it was impossible. My legs were starting to really ache because they were not used to being pushed so hard. My back was protesting. Perseverance and willpower won out. I made it for the full speed 40 minutes at 5 minutes of slightly slower cool down. The calorie counter had about 375 calories burned during the exercise session.
Honestly, I felt a bit woozy getting off the machine. Probably pushed it a bit harder than I should have. Wanted to sit down, but there was someone sitting on the one bench in the area behind me. Had been for about 20 minutes just watching the muted TVs. Drink a bit more water and pull back just a slight bit. Not much, just a slight bit.
Its going to take a few days for the 9/11 fog to lift. Its always hard. I finally told my partner about how hard 9/11 is. There was a brief conversation. And then it was dropped and he did not acknowledge it again,. Oh well.
There hasn't been anymore major falloutt from the fight my partner and I had. He is still brewing and stewing over it. He thought I was just being hurtful during it. Kept telling me over and over again that he did not tell me what to think. I agreed. And told him that he did not. But would always try to persuade me to the point of exhaustion that what he thought was better. I wonder if he realizes that he was trying to do the same pattern in that conversation?
Time for me to break free. Shed the baggage. Move forward. Make my stand. Be independent.
Spread my wings and allow myself to expand my circle. Find myself. Find my own Truth.
Amy
@}----
Honestly, I felt a bit woozy getting off the machine. Probably pushed it a bit harder than I should have. Wanted to sit down, but there was someone sitting on the one bench in the area behind me. Had been for about 20 minutes just watching the muted TVs. Drink a bit more water and pull back just a slight bit. Not much, just a slight bit.
Its going to take a few days for the 9/11 fog to lift. Its always hard. I finally told my partner about how hard 9/11 is. There was a brief conversation. And then it was dropped and he did not acknowledge it again,. Oh well.
There hasn't been anymore major falloutt from the fight my partner and I had. He is still brewing and stewing over it. He thought I was just being hurtful during it. Kept telling me over and over again that he did not tell me what to think. I agreed. And told him that he did not. But would always try to persuade me to the point of exhaustion that what he thought was better. I wonder if he realizes that he was trying to do the same pattern in that conversation?
Time for me to break free. Shed the baggage. Move forward. Make my stand. Be independent.
Spread my wings and allow myself to expand my circle. Find myself. Find my own Truth.
Amy
@}----
Sunday, September 11, 2011
New Treadmill Setting
Tried a new treadmill setting today. I have been doing no incline, just worrying about speed of walking. But the machine has pre-programed settings for cardio, fatburn, aerobics, gluts, and all kinds of other wonderful training labels. Today I had a relatively short amount of time so I decided to just try one of the settings and just do treadmill.
There was an aerobic workout that looked like peaks and valleys of activity. It shifted between I believe flat and three levels of elevation while working within my speed range (which I set just under my usual 2.5/2.7 mph.. 2.2 mph ).. I did a solid 25 minutes on the machine which was also a difference. Usually on the flat machine it starts feeling straining after only about 8 minutes or so. The variation was enough to keep my body from feeling as much strain. All and all it was quite the positive experience.
After, I went to the grocery store to get some produce. Ugh, what a disappointment. I think I am going to have to change grocery stores. The selection there is usually small, but fresh. Today it was small and NOT fresh. Turned my nose up on almost everything they had because of one issue or another. I am not a perfectionist. I can take a bit of browning on a lettuce leaf or having to pull the top layer off my cabbage or even an imperfection on my apple or bruised banana! But food actually starting to turn, well, turns me off.
There are at least two others in my area I can get to relatively easily. Will have to get there and stock up on healthy food to start cleansing and having a healthy lifestyle through and through. Shed some of the physical pounds to loose this mental tether that has held me down for too long in life.
Love to you all.
Amy
@}----
There was an aerobic workout that looked like peaks and valleys of activity. It shifted between I believe flat and three levels of elevation while working within my speed range (which I set just under my usual 2.5/2.7 mph.. 2.2 mph ).. I did a solid 25 minutes on the machine which was also a difference. Usually on the flat machine it starts feeling straining after only about 8 minutes or so. The variation was enough to keep my body from feeling as much strain. All and all it was quite the positive experience.
After, I went to the grocery store to get some produce. Ugh, what a disappointment. I think I am going to have to change grocery stores. The selection there is usually small, but fresh. Today it was small and NOT fresh. Turned my nose up on almost everything they had because of one issue or another. I am not a perfectionist. I can take a bit of browning on a lettuce leaf or having to pull the top layer off my cabbage or even an imperfection on my apple or bruised banana! But food actually starting to turn, well, turns me off.
There are at least two others in my area I can get to relatively easily. Will have to get there and stock up on healthy food to start cleansing and having a healthy lifestyle through and through. Shed some of the physical pounds to loose this mental tether that has held me down for too long in life.
Love to you all.
Amy
@}----
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Still shaking
Major fight with my partner. We had a blow up over how I expressing opinions in the house. His overshadow the house and me. If there is a decision to be made of left or right or wrong, it is his to make. He may ask for my opinion, but I keep it close to the vest because, traditionally, if i answer wrong he will try mightilly to sway me in the direction of his opinion. Do not get me wrong, this is not with true ill intentions, but in a desire to connect. Misguided, maybe, but not truely intentionally harmful.
I told him that it was exhausting and hurtful to me to continue on like this. Isolating and just plain unsatisfying for me to continue to be in a partnership where even the most simple communications over TV shows, paint colors, and picking up sticks could turn into hour long debates about why my opinion is inferior and his superior with me on quite the defensive. Unhealthy and unaceptable anymore.
I think thats another step forward for me.
If he ever finds these words and finds the truth written out, he will be hurt. But its the truth. My truth. Like the Anna Nalick song 2 AM (Breathe) song says "And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd/Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud/And I know that you'll use them, however you want to" ... oh how i love song lyrics...
Here's to truth
Amy
I told him that it was exhausting and hurtful to me to continue on like this. Isolating and just plain unsatisfying for me to continue to be in a partnership where even the most simple communications over TV shows, paint colors, and picking up sticks could turn into hour long debates about why my opinion is inferior and his superior with me on quite the defensive. Unhealthy and unaceptable anymore.
I think thats another step forward for me.
If he ever finds these words and finds the truth written out, he will be hurt. But its the truth. My truth. Like the Anna Nalick song 2 AM (Breathe) song says "And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd/Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud/And I know that you'll use them, however you want to" ... oh how i love song lyrics...
Here's to truth
Amy
Friday, September 9, 2011
40 Minutes :)
Made it to 40 minutes total of workout today!!!!!
10 minutes of the treadmill at 2.6 mph
20 minutes of exercise bike (10 free cycling, 5 fat burn setting and 5 hill training vigorous)
and 10 minutes treadmill at 2.0 mph
Its progress in the right direction.
Each session at the gym I aim for 30 minutes active on each machine. They have timers so you can tell exactly how many minutes the activity has lasted. Today, sitting down after finishing the exercise bike and wasn't sure if I could do anymore. But I convinced myself that today was the day that I needed to push myself that extra little bit. To find that extra little bit and go a bit further. I had the time and even if it wasnt vigorous, I could try my best to just move! Success!
No clue what my ultimate goal is. But it felt good today.
Amy
@}----
10 minutes of the treadmill at 2.6 mph
20 minutes of exercise bike (10 free cycling, 5 fat burn setting and 5 hill training vigorous)
and 10 minutes treadmill at 2.0 mph
Its progress in the right direction.
Each session at the gym I aim for 30 minutes active on each machine. They have timers so you can tell exactly how many minutes the activity has lasted. Today, sitting down after finishing the exercise bike and wasn't sure if I could do anymore. But I convinced myself that today was the day that I needed to push myself that extra little bit. To find that extra little bit and go a bit further. I had the time and even if it wasnt vigorous, I could try my best to just move! Success!
No clue what my ultimate goal is. But it felt good today.
Amy
@}----
10 Years since 9/11
Sunday is the 10 year anniversary of 9/11.
It is a painful time for the USA. A time of loss, reflection and memories. It is emotional for me. I was in a walking haze at that time due to a personal trauma. Those images from TV are the first that I have for a few weeks surrounding that time period. I went from being a complete zombie to being horrified. Every year since, I watch shows about the events and cry and cry and cry. I experience so much pain with the tears, but by experiencing it I release it for the year. I relive that feeling of flipping on the TV and realizing the gravity of events that were unfolding. Worrying about family. Worrying about the country. Knowing that this was going to change everyone and everything forever.
This year it feels so much harder. So much more raw. My nerves are more exposed. The loss more personal.
This is me being stuck for a decade. Being lost. Just waking up recently and seeing the world again. Shocked that I just went through the motions and didnt truely live. I turtled and hid and did not thrive. My lost years.
Maybe its the fact I am starting my own transformation journey. Its hard to think about all of those that will never have the chance.
I feel bogged down at the moment. Not knowing where I should turn. Wanting to just turtle down and go into old patterns. Not expand. Not break free. Just go back into the comfort of what is dysfunctional at best. Fear is overwhelming. That baggage is feeling heavy. Maybe that means I am getting close to a breakthrough. I can't stop. I must work through this.
This time has to be different.
I will either truly live or just survive. I want to live life to the fullest.
Choose to live, Amy. Choose to live.
Amy
@}----
It is a painful time for the USA. A time of loss, reflection and memories. It is emotional for me. I was in a walking haze at that time due to a personal trauma. Those images from TV are the first that I have for a few weeks surrounding that time period. I went from being a complete zombie to being horrified. Every year since, I watch shows about the events and cry and cry and cry. I experience so much pain with the tears, but by experiencing it I release it for the year. I relive that feeling of flipping on the TV and realizing the gravity of events that were unfolding. Worrying about family. Worrying about the country. Knowing that this was going to change everyone and everything forever.
This year it feels so much harder. So much more raw. My nerves are more exposed. The loss more personal.
This is me being stuck for a decade. Being lost. Just waking up recently and seeing the world again. Shocked that I just went through the motions and didnt truely live. I turtled and hid and did not thrive. My lost years.
Maybe its the fact I am starting my own transformation journey. Its hard to think about all of those that will never have the chance.
I feel bogged down at the moment. Not knowing where I should turn. Wanting to just turtle down and go into old patterns. Not expand. Not break free. Just go back into the comfort of what is dysfunctional at best. Fear is overwhelming. That baggage is feeling heavy. Maybe that means I am getting close to a breakthrough. I can't stop. I must work through this.
This time has to be different.
I will either truly live or just survive. I want to live life to the fullest.
Choose to live, Amy. Choose to live.
Amy
@}----
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