How did I get this way? part one...

If I am going to write for all to see, I need to address how I got here. 

How did I get to be this big.  This fat.  This huge.  This morbidly obese. 

I have my share of sob stories and excuses in life.  Circumstances have not been ideal, ever.  My childhood was, well, odd.  I was always heavy growing up.  Weight issues have always been a part of my life.  My household was part of the clean plate club.  If I took more food than I could finish, I either had to sit there until I finished or, even worse, I had to put plastic wrap on my food and eat on it for snack and meals until it was gone.  There was no room to enjoy a plate of food, become full and push it away.  Taking less could actually leave me hungry with my large household some days.  A loose-loose proposition for me. 

Then there is food for comfort.  Anxiety has plagued me as far back as I can remember.  Self esteem was never a priority in my household.  Few things could bring that feeling of comfort forward that I so craved and desired.  I learned how to bake my own cookies and cakes when I was in elementary school.  Heck, sometimes even just the cookie dough would do.  My full household would always take a chunk of the baked goods, but still would have plenty for me to gorge on.

Instead of helping me, I was ridiculed for my weight.  I still have words that ring in my ears that bring tears to my eyes.  Words that told me I wasn't good enough, well, to live.  Out of the blue one day I was told, Don't worry, I don't expect any grand kids out of you.  I think I was 14..  When I was about 10 or 12 I got a postcard in the mail inviting me to be in one of those Pre-Teen Miss pageants.  I was excited.  I ran over and said that someone thinks I am pretty enough to be in a beauty pageant!  I was promptly told that those things were for pretty girls, like my sister, not girls like me.  5 minutes later I was alone, eating and crying.  I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry.  Today, as I write this it still makes me cry.  A tear just rolled down my cheek. 

That's the base for how I got this way.

All I can write for now.

More when I can.

Amy
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