Continuing My Crisis

My whole world has been tumbling down a rabbit hole into a curous new world.  One somewhat familiar, but odd at the same time.   The best term I can come up with to describe it is a "crisis of faith" in everything in my life.  Everything has gone from a certianty and solid to being questioned and shuffled around.   

What in the world have I gotten myself into?  Blindly, I have gone through nearly a decade of my life.  Not seeing what is going on or what the consequences are.  Life has grown and shifted during that time.  There are lost years, proud accomplishments, joy and tears.  There was an overwhelming numbness that followed me through most of that existance.  With the help of some medication and good therapy, I have been feeling again.  A lot of what is there, though, is pain and regret.  I do regret what was lost.  What wasnt stood up for.  The paths that should have been traveled.  Oppertunities lost. 

This crisis of faith has caused me to start questioning openly  my existance and place within the cosmos.  I have been struggling more and more with my partner to see eye to eye with things.  Our views on parenting, love, life, household duties, encouraging each other do not exactly match up.  He is used to winning.  I would give him the way that he desired because my thoughts did not matter within my psyche.  Thats not living.  Thats existing.  Moving beyond that and learning how to disagree has been a challenge.  To stand up for what I desire is an amazing feeling of freedom.  Stepping forward.

I would not give up my children.  Through all the frustration of dealing with their stubborn indepdendence I fought to instill dispite my lack of it, they are the gems in my life.  They have strengths that will help them for all their days.  They are healthy, normal sized children.  Not burdened with weight issues so far.  What I was unable to do for myself in the lost years, I struggled to give to them.  Dinner is offered, and they eat or they choose not to.  They stop when they are full and are not pushed to eat more.  Healthy snacks of fresh veggies, applesauce, yogurt are available as the only substitution for dinner.  After dinner snacks are rare treats.    Thats not to say that cakes, cookies and ice cream dont exist at my house.  There is a full cake and some ice cream there for the tasting in the fridge right now from a celebration.  But it is not the focus in life, but a joy that is a side note of food. 

It is wierd having to learn the lessons that your children have already mastered.  Espeically when they seem to be so simple.  Eat when you are hungry, and stop when you are not.  Snack healthy.  Move! Move! Move!

I made progress again in the movement category today.  15 minutes on the tredmill going a little over 2 mph followed by 10 minutes on the exercise bicycle and 5 minutes on the skiing machine.  30 minutes total.  I missed yesterday due to social and family obligations, but thats ok.   Just got back going. 

I think I need to set a weight loss goal.  Something simple, but something that I can feel a sense of a accomplishment with.  Lets start with 10 lbs.  No time limit, just a sense of accomplishment to achieve that in whatever time period.  Guess I need to get a new scale!

Tomorrow is another day.  Will hopefully go first thing in the morning. 

Allow my load to lighten and excitement to continue.

Amy @}----

Follow Through

The first step is always hard, but its even harder to follow through and continue upon the path. 

I have been good in my life about starting projects.  There is a sea of projects left half done in my wake. Things that were started with the best of intentions, but left to just rot in a pile of unaccomplishments in my life.  Looking around at the endless array of unfinished projects and good intetions overwhelms.  It adds to the chaos that already invades my mind. 

This time things are going to be different.  If I loose 10 pounds or 100 or more, it doesnt matter.  It is the action that is important.  To continue on moving and trying for better in my life.  I am going to be working towards a better self.  That is the goal.  Follow through and teach myself to live a new lifestyle.  To use physical movement as a sacred act to honor myself.  To increase my self esteem within my own core.  To release the deamons from the past that haunt me and hold me back.  Release. Release. Release. 

So today I reached 30 minutes.  15 biking; 5 cross training (ouchie); and 10 treadmill.    A good start!

Tomorrow is another day. 

Amy
@}----

First Steps

First accomplishment on the new journey;  I joined the gym and did a mini workout.  Spending about 15 minutes on the bikes and an additional 5 minutes on the cross trainer was enough to get the feel of the place.   Probably could have done a bit more, but my gym partner needs a bit slower pace.  Will go there myself at some point and try it independently. 

It feels like a bit of weight has been taken off my soul.  Walking in there, fear pulsed.  The people were friendly.  Though I was probably the heaviest person there, it was not all thin or well muscled people.  People of all shapes and sizes that were taking their own paths.

Fear paralyzes my life.  One of my secret confessions in life is that I have allowed myself to be restricted by fear, especially encouraged by others.  I allowed my life to be shrunken and lonely.  Now I am trying to learn how to break free of that.  Change what I can, accept what I cannot to paraphrase the famous poem that fits for everyone.  Learn to stand up for myself, express my beliefs and walk my own path without looking for the approval of the strong individuals in my life.  I am a strong individual underneath it all. 

My main partner in life is not interested in participating in this journey.  Thats sad to me.  His resistance to change in life is one of the reasons I have gotten so stuck both mentally and physically.  Instead of stepping out on my own, as I should have, I found myself relying on him and others for guidance and permission.  I have placed his opinions to the side and taken my own needs above his this time.  Even if my gym partner steps away, I will move forward this time.  I have to.  This is my chance and I dont want to miss it. 

I am changing the way I look at my food.  Right now I dont want to diet or even really restrict what I am eating.  Just change my perception to a new keen awareness about what I am eating.  Look for color, especially deep greens.  More veggies, less processed stuff.  You know, all of the advice that is touted on every single magazine/tv talk show/nutritionists desk.  Pay attention and just allow a natural change to the way I do things, instead of doing something for the sake of change. 

Today I took the first physical steps.  Feeling excited and celebrating the first step towards my new life.  One tiny piece of something is taken out of my baggage and thrown into the cosmic garbage. 

Amy
@}-----

The Beginning

Yes, its cliche.  But its true!  This is the begining.  Truth smacks me in the face with devistating reality.  For me it is not a matter of actually having a major health crisis or unveiling a major secret in my life.  It is more run of the mill and a crisis of self.  I am beyond fat, have wrapped myself up in mental troubles for years and am quite unhappy with life in general.  A recent family members own health crisis just became the straw that broke the philisophical camels back.  Those facts just came tumbling down.

Is this who I want to be? I am the heaviest I have ever been.  The doctors office scale said 358.  Other than that I am healthy, but I could split myself in two and still be a healthy weight.  This is not who I want to be.  The heavy baggage I carry around as excess pounds is holding me back from healing some of the feelings of
depression and anxiety that I have suffered with for years. Medication took away the worst of it, but there are still times where life is more empty.  This is the part where I need to become proactive and fill my cup of life. 

I can blame one of my medications that causes weight gain for some of it, but seeing  that scale smacked me in the face.  I did this.  I need to get off my behind and start being proactive.  Oh, the thoughts of nasty blame towards myself that kept flowing.  Still are.  Blame gets you nowhere.  This time, instead of grabbing for a sweet and wrapping myself in more fear, I am stepping outside of my comfort zone and moving forward with life. 

Today I am shedding a bit of baggage about my life.  I am joining that gym.  I am taking the first steps not just to loose weight, but to loose the lifestyle that got me there, to loose the negitive feelings towards myself, to loose a bit of the anxiety that holds me back in life.  While doing all that, I will gain strength of body, mind and spirit.

Thanks for coming on the journey with me.
@}---- Amy