My whole world has been tumbling down a rabbit hole into a curous new world. One somewhat familiar, but odd at the same time. The best term I can come up with to describe it is a "crisis of faith" in everything in my life. Everything has gone from a certianty and solid to being questioned and shuffled around.
What in the world have I gotten myself into? Blindly, I have gone through nearly a decade of my life. Not seeing what is going on or what the consequences are. Life has grown and shifted during that time. There are lost years, proud accomplishments, joy and tears. There was an overwhelming numbness that followed me through most of that existance. With the help of some medication and good therapy, I have been feeling again. A lot of what is there, though, is pain and regret. I do regret what was lost. What wasnt stood up for. The paths that should have been traveled. Oppertunities lost.
This crisis of faith has caused me to start questioning openly my existance and place within the cosmos. I have been struggling more and more with my partner to see eye to eye with things. Our views on parenting, love, life, household duties, encouraging each other do not exactly match up. He is used to winning. I would give him the way that he desired because my thoughts did not matter within my psyche. Thats not living. Thats existing. Moving beyond that and learning how to disagree has been a challenge. To stand up for what I desire is an amazing feeling of freedom. Stepping forward.
I would not give up my children. Through all the frustration of dealing with their stubborn indepdendence I fought to instill dispite my lack of it, they are the gems in my life. They have strengths that will help them for all their days. They are healthy, normal sized children. Not burdened with weight issues so far. What I was unable to do for myself in the lost years, I struggled to give to them. Dinner is offered, and they eat or they choose not to. They stop when they are full and are not pushed to eat more. Healthy snacks of fresh veggies, applesauce, yogurt are available as the only substitution for dinner. After dinner snacks are rare treats. Thats not to say that cakes, cookies and ice cream dont exist at my house. There is a full cake and some ice cream there for the tasting in the fridge right now from a celebration. But it is not the focus in life, but a joy that is a side note of food.
It is wierd having to learn the lessons that your children have already mastered. Espeically when they seem to be so simple. Eat when you are hungry, and stop when you are not. Snack healthy. Move! Move! Move!
I made progress again in the movement category today. 15 minutes on the tredmill going a little over 2 mph followed by 10 minutes on the exercise bicycle and 5 minutes on the skiing machine. 30 minutes total. I missed yesterday due to social and family obligations, but thats ok. Just got back going.
I think I need to set a weight loss goal. Something simple, but something that I can feel a sense of a accomplishment with. Lets start with 10 lbs. No time limit, just a sense of accomplishment to achieve that in whatever time period. Guess I need to get a new scale!
Tomorrow is another day. Will hopefully go first thing in the morning.
Allow my load to lighten and excitement to continue.
Amy @}----
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